We are all in a relationship with the people around us. There is a desire in our brain to be loved by everyone that interacts with our life. Your relationships impact your health. Health can be improved by your relationships. Your health can also be damaged by your relationships.
Why do we care so much about other people?
You wonder why you care what the guy walking down the street, the person checking the water meter, or the plumber fixing the leak in your sink thinks of you. Why does it matter to you? Because it matters to your brain.
When we lived in tribes our survival was based on being part of the group. The collective wisdom and strength of the group allowed for all basic needs to be met. Without that group, it would be difficult to provide food, water, shelter, and defense from predators all on your own.
That matters because it is still part of our habit brain to maintain that connection for survival. Sometimes that part of our brain will ignore other things going on just to get that connection and feel safe.
What are the components we need in relationships?
We need friendship, love, touch, intimacy, and sex. Each component meets a desire in our lives that provides a connection that meets the needs of belonging and safety.
Friendship
We need others we can share our lives with that experience their life in a similar way. That is why when you move or start a new hobby or new business or new job you get new friends.
Those previous friendships may still be there but often without the connection of the job, hobby, or location, you drift apart.
Friendships are stronger when you are sharing life together. Some friendships last forever because one or both of you continue to share life together even when you are apart.
The strength of the relationship whether an acquaintance all the way to best friend is determined by how much you share life together and trust each other. This can happen in person but we have seen recently can also happen online.
Who are your best and strongest friends? What brings you together? Do you need more friends in your life?
Love
We need others that love us unconditionally. To know there are people that care for us even when we do things they don’t like and are committed to us as part of their lives. We need people we can be our authentic selves with and know they will always be there for us.
Love crosses many areas. There can be love between friends, spouses, children, parents, animals, and God or your spiritual connection.
Who do you love and who loves you? Do you need more love in your life?
Touch
We need to be touched by others so we feel the connection. Babies who are not touched don’t thrive as much as those who are cuddled, held, and hugged. Understand the amount of touch someone needs will be different and is bio-individual.
Often people use sex as the only time they touch another person. That can be ok. It depends on what you need. Check-in with yourself. Ask what you really need. Sometimes a hug or someone patting your hand or patting you on the back for a job well done will meet your need for touch.
Do you receive enough touch in your life? Who can you ask for a hug?
Intimacy
What is intimacy? We think it is only having sex but it is so much different. Intimacy is that connection between people that can be with your partner but also with a friend, relative, or God.
It is a connection allowing you to be yourself and the other person to see you as yourself. It can be emotional, spiritual, physical, or mental intimacy.
You may have a mental intimacy with a colleague, spiritual intimacy with God or your spiritual guide, physical intimacy with your partner, and emotional intimacy with a friend.
Intimacy occurs in many ways with many different people. You need different intimate connections.
Who are you intimately connected to? Thank those people who connect with you in an intimate way?
Sex
Sex is a physical connection. For some, it is that physical release. For many people in committed partnerships, there is also love and intimacy involved with sex. Even a oneness as described in God’s word. Even in a partnership sometimes sex is only that physical activity and doesn’t fulfill those other needs in relationships.
Often people are expecting sex to fill in those gaps in components of relationships. Sex can also be performed in many ways and that physical need may be different for different people. Do not be shy and tell your partner what you need with sex.
Do you have satisfying sex in your life? Is there something different your need to ask for in your sex life?
How does all this relate to my Health?
I hope this helps you in seeing that you have different relationship needs and that it is unlikely for one person to fulfill all 5 relationship needs all the time in your life.
It can be hurtful to you or your partner if you expect them to always fulfill all your relationship needs. It goes the other way as well. Stop trying to fulfill all your partner’s relationship needs. It is a heavy burden on someone to be everything for someone else.
If your relationship needs are not being met then you will look for ways that meet those needs or you may become stressed from no getting those needs met. Chronic stress causes negative health. Searching to meet relationship needs in food, drink, or drugs also causes negative health over time.
Allow yourself the opportunity to connect with friends, colleagues, relatives, and God or your spiritual adviser. Encourage your partner to fulfill needs through connection with others as well.
There are many lonely people expecting one person to be their everything. We are meant to be in a community of people. In a community with many people fulfilling our relationship needs, we gain better health.
